You're generous. You're highly sociable. And when you meet new people, you make a damn good first impression, if you say so yourself. But underneath all of that external charm and hearty dose of self-esteem, you might actually be a narcissist.
Named after the Greek hero Narcissus, who famously fell so in love with his face in a reflecting pool that he drowned in it, narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD for short) is defined by more than just self-love. According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), narcissistic personality disorder is defined by a "grandiose sense of self-importance," "a need for excessive admiration," and "a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success [and] power," among other symptoms.
“These people have no awareness and no insight into what they do, meaning they feel no guilt or remorse from their actions," says Miami-based psychotherapist Whitney Hawkins, LMFT. According to the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), approximately 6 percent of the population has NPD, and it is slightly more common among men.
It's important to note that there's a distinction between people with narcissistic tendencies and those who have narcissistic personality disorder. Unlike people in the former camp, who might just suffer from an inflated sense of self-esteem, people with NPD often struggle with a less stable sense of identity. "Underneath this tough, boastful exterior is often a very fragile individual who cannot handle criticism or judgment,” she says.
Narcissistic personality disorder also tends to manifest itself at an early age. “Narcissism can stem from childhood if the person was either overly pampered or overly criticized. They may be struggling with insecurity, low self-esteem or jealousy. And so in order to combat these feelings they may try and put themselves on a pedestal in an attempt to make themselves feel better,” explains NYC-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW.
“The problem with a self-diagnosis of a character/personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that, by definition, you have little to no awareness that you have a problem, meaning that you’re likely to have massive resistance to accepting something that shines a negative light on you,”psychologist Gregory Kushnick tells Men’s Health.
It's crucial to note that NPD is a clinical diagnosis, so if you recognize many of the following traits in yourself, it's worth speaking to a therapist and seeking treatment. But if you suspect you might be a narcissist (or that you might be dating one), here are 11 common early warning signs.
1) The Conversation Is Always About You
People with narcissistic personality disorder like to lead the conversation at all times. For instance, if someone is talking to you about a health scare they had, you might let the conversation drift back to your own stressors at work, says Hershenson.
If you find yourself changing topics to revert back to something you were saying, or if you aren’t listening attentively to other people’s problems and are more focused on sharing your own, it could mean you have narcissist tendencies. (Either way, it's extremely off-putting.)
2) You Feel Uncomfortable Focusing on Others
Beyond bringing the conversation back to yourself, do you also feel mentally bothered when you’re focusing on someone else? If you’re a narcissist, you will have “difficulty letting other people be the center of attention. Mental discomfort when other people are in the spotlight and you are on the sideline,” Kushnick says. It may even go as far as to feel like a personal attack when people aren’t paying attention to you.
3) People Love You
If you believe you make a powerful first impression where people literally flock to you, you could have underlying narcissistic qualities. Sure, you could just be a likable person, but people with narcissistic personality disorder go out of their way to make over-the-top, charming impressions on those they meet.
“They are very likeable...at first. If people seem to gravitate towards them and they are well liked on first impression, but over time their interaction with others becomes a negative experience. they may be a narcissist,” says Hershenson.
4) You Expect Others to Put Your Needs Before Their Own
When it comes to friends and family, you’ve always put your needs above theirs. Then, even after you’re in a romantic relationship, as a narcissist you’ll still have a habit of putting your own needs first. You most likely expect your partner to meet your expectations and do the things you want to do, Kushnick said.
5) You Are Always Right
Well, if you think your opinion is always right, why wouldn’t you expect others to adjust to your wants and needs? As a narcissist, you state your opinions more as a fact than a point of view. As Kushnick said, “Pathological certainty is when someone seems like they’re in the business of making other people bad or wrong. It’s as though they’ve made the choice to be right instead of happy. Many narcissists always have to be right.” If you’ve found this to be the case for you, evaluate why you feel that way and if it’s coming from a narcissistic place.
6) You Can Do No Wrong
People with narcissistic personality disorder don’t know how to to take responsibility for their actions. So if someone gets mad at you, you might point the finger at others defensively, or you might lie and make up excuses to avoid being blamed or judged. “They tend to victimize themselves. If nothing is ever their fault, and they tend to feel like they are misunderstood or not valued, this may be a sign of narcissism,” says Hershenson.
7) You Love Luxurious Things
To a degree, the above is a no-brainer - I mean, who doesn’t love nice things, right? But if you're constantly spending money outside your means, it could mean trouble, particularly if you do so as a way of showing off your status to others. For instance, if you’re with a group of people and you're ordering a bottle of wine at dinner, you might feel compelled to buy the most expensive one on the list - even if it's not a special occasion.
“They are materialistic and like to display a high status and emphasize their prestige. If they flash new purchases or brag constantly, they may be a narcissist,” says Hershenson.
8) You Can’t Take Criticism
If you’re unable to tolerate even the most gentle constructive criticism, that's a problem. Sure, most people don’t like criticism, says Hershenson, but narcissists are “hyper-sensitive” to it. So if you “throw tantrums or cry when criticized,” or retaliate by “intimidating and bullying others,” that's a red flag.
9) You Think You’re Truly Special
It's not just a healthy dose of confidence. “Someone with NPD will exhibit grandiosity and high sense of self importance. They believe they are unique and superior,” says Hawkins."They may live in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur by ignoring key facts or reality that negates their ‘uniqueness.’" These fantasies might be related to “success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance,” says Hawkins. If you truly believe you deserve special treatment, that points to a narcissistic personality.
10) You Must Be More Successful Than Those Around You
Have you noticed that you only feel successful if those around you are doing worse? Do you may even have a sense of entitlement that you should be more successful than others? According to Kushnick, if you feel like you and your partner can’t be successful at the same time and are constantly making sure you’re doing better, that may be a sign you’re a narcissist.
11) You Take Advantage Of Others
Often, people with narcissism or NPD might hold deep-rooted jealousy towards others and assume that others are jealous of them as well. As a result, they might exploit people around them and disregard other people's feelings.
If you think you have these tendencies, it’s worth seeking help from a therapist. While it’s challenging to commit to treatment and you might never get rid of your narcissistic tendencies completely, you can work on becoming more self-aware as to how you affect others.
And if you think you know someone who’s a narcissist, it's important to set boundaries, says Hershenson. Speak to them calmly and don’t engage in arguments or attacks, as narcissists don’t really listen or hear you when you speak negatively about them. Be firm, and remember it’s OK to disengage and end the conversation.
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