Scientists Alter Reality By Repeating Absurd Statements Five Times In All Caps [Satire]

Leftist scientists working around the clock have developed powerful new tools for altering reality. In a speech to the Society for the Promulgation of Irrational Hysteria, left-wing physicist Dr. Geraldo Von Zippitynoodle told a gathering of empty chairs he can now confirm that writing a statement five times over in all capital letters and posting it on Twitter transforms that statement, no matter how absurd, into the truth.

In an experiment that has been reduplicated in multiple peer-reviewed imaginations, scientists posted the words “Transwomen are women,” five times in all caps on their Twitter feeds and discovered that from that time forth men who wore dresses not only became real women but were actually able to conceive and bear children if no one looked too closely.

In a transcript of his speech released through UCLA’s Office of Collecting Undeserved Paychecks by Repeatedly Using the Word Diversity, Dr. Von Zippitynoodle said, “The key to changing reality through Repetitive Twitter Capitalization, or RTC, is to insure that no one damages the results by demanding proof or using such words as ‘nonsense,’ or ‘applesauce,’ or ‘utter and complete horse manure of the purest ray serene.’ If people using such words can be banned from Twitter or silenced through intimidation, then the proper reality change can take place undisturbed or, if not, who is there to say?”

In a related experiment, journalists at CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and all three television networks were induced to claim that climate change would destroy life as we know it in 12 years while simultaneously declaring that if anyone on Fox News denied this fact they were corrupt racists. The result was a fundamental transformation of reality so that climate change will now in fact destroy life as we know it in 12 years or never, whichever comes last.

Leftist scientists say they will continue their experiments until reality has been so fundamentally transformed that leftist ideas begin to improve people’s lives.